Our deepest fear

I don't want physical things but..

*Update: After 6 months of attempting to fit into a wonderful boot, I returned them. On the bright side, I went ahead and bought the 35L bag from Groupon. I hope I like it.*

 



Soon I will turn a quarter of a century old. I was thinking about how my “wish list” has changed over the years. It's gone from scooters to footballs to karate gear to craft activity boxes to items to prepare me for life after high schools. For the most part, all of my desires were tangible items and though my “wish list” has tangible items they are far from what they once used to be.

(side-note: I don't wan't gifts but if you do, please only from this list. I've sold most everything else I own and really, really, really don't want things. I will sell it if you do.)

• Volunteer with an organization because you know I would love it if you did.
• Donate $$ if you can't, or in addition to, time. 
• 2 – 3 quick dry underwear
• 2 quick dry sports bras
• 4 quick dry hiking socks
• Quick dry tiny towel
• *30-35L pack w/rain cover and hydration system
• Compressible sleeping bag
• iPod or unlocked phone with wifi and camera
• Amazon gift card
• Thunder tickets (for me and you)...nosebleed section is great
• Paid experiences (such as: this, this or this and that)
• *Hiking boots - waterproof, sturdy and ankle or so high

Has your “Wish List” changed over the years?

I traded in my Chaco hiking sandals for business casual shoes

I feel out of place in a location where I once felt great comfort - my home, Oklahoma. The traffic, city lights, tall buildings, lack of recycling as a norm, trash-filled lakes and no natural beauty to be active within a 20-45min drive is saddening.

My CamelBak is no longer my go-to required item like a purse or wallet is for others. It is hung up just reminding me of what I left and giving me hope that I will use it again. -I should probably clean it at some point.

My Chaco tan is quickly fading not because of a lack of sun (100 degree days) but a lack of outdoor use. There is nowhere for me to hike in the mornings unless I drive a couple hours away.

In a weird way, I'm happy that people haven't been bombarding me with texts and calls. I find it overwhelming when they do after returning from a place without reception.

I think I'm starting to not just understand logically but understand emotionally how my students feel coming from cities such as Harlem and L.A. to live at a school in the mountains of CO - out of place, not centered.


There are MANY benefits of being home: family, not missing birthdays or holidays, watching my nieces and nephews grow up, being there for my best friends and returning to the place I feel most home, my dojo.

I also am fairly certain this move back home will get easier once my new job transitions from training to working on projects in the community. I know I need to keep busy and am addressing this as quickly as possible.
I joined a conversation group to help me improve my Spanish and I help teach twice a week at my dojo. Once I (re)learn how to use and fix a sewing machine, I'll have a great project (my t-shirt quilt) to work on throughout the winter in my evenings.I know change can take time but I don't think I was expecting to feel so distant from a state I once called home.


My next job will be in nature.

Top Things I'll Miss about my year in CO

Top things I will and won't miss about my time in Colorado:

I won't miss...

• Drugs of any kind - I get that CO is now legal in many ways but I hate drugs and would prefer to never smell or be around them again.
• Buffet lines
• Entitlement - I know it's everywhere but at least I don't live, work, breathe it every day.
• "Need" and "Want" being constantly misused
• Evening duty and nearly every time being treated like I'm a bad guy because I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing but did not like one bit (walking through the students' wings, removing hanging blankets, reporting damage, smells or graffiti, etc).
• Meetings, upon meetings, upon meetings
• Not having cell phone reception
• Being away from my best friend and family

I will miss...

• Not having cell phone reception
• Aspen House
• Saying, "I'm going to the park." and referring to the Rocky Mountain National Park.
• Hiking - being so close to hundreds of hiking trails and going on a different one each weekend.
• Not having to pay for gas to get to work
• Free Fun Experiences - snowboarding at Vail, eating out, ice cream, indoor/outdoor fun parks, etc
• Events in town and down the valley - especially service related
• Expanding my comfort zone and having meaningful conversations about equity, justice, empowerment, genocide, assimilation, spirit, energy, herbal remedies, home-made items, race, etc. I know it doesn't have to stop, but I'm not sure I will ever be surrounded by something quite like that again.
• Dojo in town
• Ukulele being played nearly every day - especially next door when falling asleep.
• Personal and Professional growth as a requirement
• Feeling like I found "my people" 
• Along with that, not being asked what's on my back (CamelBak) and  receiving weird looks from my choice of everyday shoes(Chaco sandals).
• Mountain Casual as the dress everywhere
• The conversations
• and much, much more.

Do you ever wonder?

I am a reflective person and from time-to-time I wonder what would things be like if…fill in the blank.

With the anniversary of the day the world lost a wonderful human being fast approaching (Aug. 8th), I trod down the rabbit hole respectfully.

If Ethan was still alive would…

He have gone down the partying road throughout college? Would we have blackmail stories that we share accidentally at inappropriate times? 

He have gotten married to the woman he proposed to? 

He have earned his black belt and opened his own dojo? Would we be guest sensei's at each other's tests? 

He have have graduated from OCCC and gone onto UCO like he planned? Would we have been in the same clubs, ate lunch together or picked at each other?

He still pursued music or other creative outlets? 

He have continued with journalism? Would he shine or fail as the new editor? Would he continue it at UCO? Would he earn more SPJ (society of professional journalism) awards?

He still be a dork, funny and always up to something? 

But mostly the thing I tend to wonder is… 

Would we realistically still be friends to this day?

Would we ever be sharing an office and when we don't have a place to talk, be messaging back in forth while being three feet away? Would he still come in and give me a big hug with a giant smile? Would we wonder about the world, life, relationships, family, service to others and awkward moments? I want to say yes, but really, I've let most people go over time, would he have fallen into that category? Is the only reason his memory is forever engrained in my soul because he was taken away from this world, from me? I guess no one will ever know but I can say I am grateful for the time we did share.