Mental Inventory

I’ve been talking a lot about finding myself. Heck this blog should be called ‘Finding Myself’ rather than ‘Just Jenn.’ In the past few days I began to wonder what it is I’ve exactly figured out, or in some cases reaffirmed. In light of that, before I come home I’m going to start taking a mental inventory of the last few months and who I am. 

Here is my start, some with explanation and some without, all in no particular order:

1. I need a career, life, etc where I feel like what I do is important and I matter.
2. I’m judgmental – I will be “okay” with you doing whatever it is you want to do, and I’ll let you go for them but in fact I’m going to think some decisions you make are stupid and in some cases, I won’t want to hang out with you during certain activities.
3. I enjoy adrenaline.
4. I’m a hypocrite – I enjoy being with people who like to take of themselves and make positive healthy decisions (see here is my judging again) and it drives me nuts when others choose to make negative unhealthy decisions. Let’s take for instance smoking, hookah, pipe and weed. These are all what I would say are negative unhealthy decisions. Smoke is bad for yourself and those around you. Even hookah the CDC is worse than smoking in many cases. Yet I take part of camp fires very regularly, sometimes daily, where I’m inhaling smoke of large amounts and chemicals from whatever we throw in the fire, like cardboard and lighter fluid.
5. I HATE drinking and driving ­– With I’m sure a million other things am I a hypocrite but mainly again with stupid decisions. I hate, loath get a horrible feeling that literally makes me sick and in need of the restroom drinking in driving. Everyone knows not to get tipsy or drunk and drive but I’m paranoid. If you have one drink then I believe you should’nt drive. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to know. I can’t handle going to bars, clubs or parties because I see all these people drinking and I just think, “where is your designated driver?”
6. I love to help.
7. My ego needs to be stroked but not bombarded – I keep every thank you card and my love language is words of affirmation but I have no idea how to a compliment that goes on and on.
8. I’m slightly OCD – When it comes to where I have a home, I want it to come home and it be clean but I don’t care too much about your place or car. However, if you come over or we become roommates, do know I will care. So yes, I’ll seem like a different person, but it’s not a matter of if I care about dirt, it’s a matter if I care about dirt in your place or mine.
9. I like the idea of things.
10. Learning scares me – I always thought I loved learning but in fact it scares me. I like to learn, sort of. I just happen to feel anxious and very inferior when learning knew things because I feel as if I should know them already. I’m also so visual that when my coworkers were trying to teach me a card game I was on the verge of crying because I just felt so overwhelmed with these words coming at me but once we started playing, I felt better.
11. I hate the word “obviously” – Sometimes it’s not so obvious, even if it should be. And many times, no I don’t remember educationally most of what I was taught growing up. I can’t name all the states, nor do I know when what war was when or with who or where. I do remember that the answer is generally C, how to eliminate the two least likely choices and what a brain dump is and how to use it.
12. I’m not self-motivated – This will probably shock everyone, it was to me. Also, dear future jobs please don’t look down upon this if you read it. I always thought I was self-motivated, but I’m not. I’m motivated by feeling guilty and goals/tasks. I appeared self-motivated throughout school because I felt guilty when I didn’t do my work but more so there was this goal. In order to get an A, I had to complete tasks 1-3. There were always these tasks to complete that helped my GPA which helped my scholarship opportunities. Being out of school I feel so lost. I have all this free time that I imagined I would do six million things with and instead I’m lazily watching television. Now that I’m aware of this, I bought a Spanish workbook and for the first time, I’m going to try and do this.
13. I need a group fitness class not a gym membership – Going along with self-motivated, I’m rarely going to practice on my own but when in “competition” with others I’m going to do my best to be awesome in it. I’ll push myself further when surrounded by people who will know when I’m not doing my best.
14. I have commitment issues.
15. I feel trapped easily.
16. I like money – I feel like I’m going under when I don’t have a savings and backup funds. When I say I’m broke, its because I don’t want to spend money on things I can get cheaper if I do it myself or find it online.
17. My dreams are expensive – My daily needs are inexpensive but my dream to travel, build a house where my friends and family can come anytime (whether I’m there or off traveling,) and one day open my own karate dojo are expensive.
18. I want to be a CEO – I never thought I did but I love being in a leadership role where people look up to me, I’ve read so many great books that have inspired me to focus on the culture and people that I want to make a place where everyone wants to work because it’s so fun and they enjoy what they are dong. So, I’m going to open my own leadership camp but will have to start with just a dojo where a major focus is community.