Don’t worry dad, I got this.

I have never felt, and actually been, more prepared for a position than I am for this one. I’ve spent my last three years bouncing from one contract or service term to another. I’ve lived in Michigan, Colorado and a couple different parts of Oklahoma. Each position and location was radically different from the previous ones. Yet it was through the variety of professional and personal experiences had, that I actually feel ready. As I told my dad the other day, “I got this.”

It was an odd feeling.

In Michigan I learned teambuilding and facilitation skills. My roommate taught me about standing up for oneself and how some comments are just not okay. I learned that I needed to find my own identity, separate from school. She also taught me about Nutella.

The summer after Michigan I drove to Colorado. I am still trying to figure out if this was the hardest experience I will ever love, or just the hardest experience. Either way, it was definitely a year of growth. I wish I had seen it then. While there, I faced social justice issues and learned about nearly every “ism” under the sun. I was exposed to the remarkable world of identities. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more lost. Later I finally understood how much relationships are key, that I need to be part of a group or club outside of work and that if I want to not just survive but to be happy, that I need to find a way to straddle the line of engagement and disengagement.

After completing a year of service in Colorado, I returned home to Oklahoma. I needed time to reboot. I needed to process. I needed to regain trust in myself after completely losing my shit in Washington and nearly walking out on Colorado (thank you Beth and Jen for all your help). Most importantly, I needed to find me. The phrase, “get lost to find yourself” was one I immediately loved when I saw it while in Michigan. What I didn’t understand then, is being lost is terrifying, lonely and filled with anger, sadness and confusion. I used the Red Cross to try everything I was beginning to learn from Colorado. Mainly to make time for things I love and to build up (and utilize) my relationships with a few key people. I learned to take charge, make decisions and further my facilitation experience. The people there showed me what it means to put the clients first. My official and unofficial supervisors modeled the way on how I hope to be as a leader. It was an amazing place to see the life-cycle of a project and to feel incredibly empowered and trusted.   

So now in New York when I’m faced with a problem or a question, I don’t feel lost. I simply start to problem solve based on what I know (thanks Dave Campbell for that penny of wisdom). When a parent is upset, I know to listen to hear if they are just needing to vent or if they really do want an explanation. I feel more excited than nervous to take on my giant roles. I’ve kept my honesty and have been extremely open to hearing feedback without getting defensive. I’ve joined a group outside of work and am soon about to help with the Red Cross. In short, I’m making a home for myself because I finally understand what I need to feel at home.

Thank you to each person who has been a part of my journey. No matter what occurred or how much, you influenced me.

Growing up and chasing feelings

So much of my life has been about setting goals, SMART goals to be exact. It is what do I want and how do I achieve it.  After turning down an interview with the Peace Corps (what a reverse scenario in my book) I think I've come to notice a transition; there are words missing from my internal questions.

It is not, "what do I want?"

It is, "what do I want to feel?"

It is not, "how do I achieve it?"

It is, "how do I achieve the feeling long term?"

When I began my job hunt, I was looking for not just a position or a place but a culture. I wanted to feel empowered, encouraged and home. I have to admit, it's a bit trickier to search for a culture than it is a position. It was worth the the persistence.

Though I am saddened and even disappointed with the Peace Corps, I know I am where I need to be. I have a place that reminds me of the culture of Eagle Rock (CO) the empowerment and familiarity of the Red Cross (OK) and the sense of being just enough out of my comfort zone to grow, as I was in Michigan. 

Service, just like growing up, is not a destination but a feeling that embodies me. It is in everything I think, everything I say and my daily actions.

My next goal is to feel enlightened and calm and cool as a cucumber.

What do you want to feel?

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