Learning to listen to my body

I listen to my body most of the time. However, the moment I have deadlines (even ones I've personally made) that are nearing or people I (perceived and actually) need to help, self-care goes out the window.

Today was a victory.

I realized that I cannot enter all the service hours of all the students, order awards, lead all the service activities,  plan for and lead two classes, reflect, work on my projects, etc and take care of myself properly without a single day full day off. I need to take care of me, especially in the midst of madness. 

I often tell people who are worriers about things to ask, "What is the worst (realistically) thing that can happen?" It is something Major in JROTC once said at a dance and it has applied to the entirety of my life. Though the deadline to order awards for them to arrive on time with normal shipping has passed, what was the worse that would happen? The answer? We have to pay $25 for expedited shipping.

My head is screaming because that is a waste of money and it was my fault (to an extent). Yet I really took the moment today to say, "well since I already passed it, I can take my day off (tomorrow) that I normally work and take care of myself."

My personal well being is worth $25.

I still have time with this new shipping date to get it in and have awards by graduation. Tonight I "met" my new nephew via video chat and tomorrow I'm making the choice to take care of myself so that the next day I can be at full power instead of 12%. Making this choice is something I am working on.

Darn you shows and movies that involve travel.

I'm filled with such mixed emotions. A friend referred me to a documentary called, "Long Way Round." It is brilliant but there is one problem: I can't sleep. I'm filled with such excitement for adventure and to travel again that all I can think of is buying a ticket, hopping on a plane and going to who knows where. (In actuality, I would probably go to France to begin to walk the Camino through Spain and Portugal.)

I can't begin to tell you how it is almost a daily battle within myself of to stay or to go. To have a job or to travel around the world. To be with family and friends or to be video chatting across the globe. To be present for birthdays and holidays or to be making memories with families I create and find along the way.

I told myself I don't want to be the aunt that my nieces (and soon-to-be nephew) don't know. I want to be the cool aunt who they call at 3am when they went drinking underage and need someone to pick them up, no-questions asked. Yet, as my mom said (gawd, I hate how she is right sometimes,) "I think you find fulfillment in you going to so many different places." How right she is, how right she is. 

So I sit here with 47 days till my contract technically ends and I feel conflicted about what comes next. Currently I have this elaborate plan of coming home and taking odd jobs for about year before selling every last thing and jetting off to other countries. Can I sit still back home for a year? Can I be away from home in another country for an undetermined amount of time?

If I had a superpower, I would be able to instantly go to wherever I want with a blink of an eye.