Learning to listen to my body

I listen to my body most of the time. However, the moment I have deadlines (even ones I've personally made) that are nearing or people I (perceived and actually) need to help, self-care goes out the window.

Today was a victory.

I realized that I cannot enter all the service hours of all the students, order awards, lead all the service activities,  plan for and lead two classes, reflect, work on my projects, etc and take care of myself properly without a single day full day off. I need to take care of me, especially in the midst of madness. 

I often tell people who are worriers about things to ask, "What is the worst (realistically) thing that can happen?" It is something Major in JROTC once said at a dance and it has applied to the entirety of my life. Though the deadline to order awards for them to arrive on time with normal shipping has passed, what was the worse that would happen? The answer? We have to pay $25 for expedited shipping.

My head is screaming because that is a waste of money and it was my fault (to an extent). Yet I really took the moment today to say, "well since I already passed it, I can take my day off (tomorrow) that I normally work and take care of myself."

My personal well being is worth $25.

I still have time with this new shipping date to get it in and have awards by graduation. Tonight I "met" my new nephew via video chat and tomorrow I'm making the choice to take care of myself so that the next day I can be at full power instead of 12%. Making this choice is something I am working on.

Gimme, gimme, gimme

It's tough. Coordinating and managing student volunteers is incredibly difficult. I'm not talking about the complaints, tardiness or forgetfulness but the difference of attitude towards service.

Me: What can I give?
Student: What do I get?

I had a student who ended up not participating in a service activity because I grew more and more frustrated. He kept asking me what we were going to eat, what exactly is being served, if we can go get hamburgers, if we can stop before we go there, etc.

I answered his questions as best as I could but in the end, I ignored him. Not the best tactic. I found myself growing angry and resentful. I knew I didn't want to take it out on him, so I stopped talking and waited for him to leave.

Oh the pondering one does after such an occurrence. I really was put in my place when I realized that it is not the students that already volunteer and who's first thoughts are "what can I give?" that I need to be trying to get to serve. Instead, I need to focus on the students like the one who annoyed me. Students like him need experiences like the ones I offer in order to get their feet wet in service and possibly ignite a flame for giving.

How can I expect anyone who doesn't already volunteer to want to if I don't react with patience and understanding? How can I expect anyone to continue to do service in the future if I don't get them (even the pains in the butts) to try it out for the first time?


I can be the bridge or the wall. Though it may not be easy to handle such an opposite view towards service, I need to try my best to intentionally be a bridge.

My Best Friend is Flying in

My best friend Jamie is flying in to see me in Colorado. It's rather exciting having a friend visit me where I live. My emotions are through the roof knowing that even though I tend to move far away, my best friend is still super excited to come see me!

These couple of days are going to be outstanding.

• Cookie dough and a movie
• 4th of July Festivities
• Crashing the YMCA international parade
• A Car Show
• Hiking
• Touring campus
• Sliding on a big slide
• Lots and lots of stories, laughter and love.

I can't wait till your shuttle gets here!!!

 Jamie and I in Oklahoma, December 2012

Darn you shows and movies that involve travel.

I'm filled with such mixed emotions. A friend referred me to a documentary called, "Long Way Round." It is brilliant but there is one problem: I can't sleep. I'm filled with such excitement for adventure and to travel again that all I can think of is buying a ticket, hopping on a plane and going to who knows where. (In actuality, I would probably go to France to begin to walk the Camino through Spain and Portugal.)

I can't begin to tell you how it is almost a daily battle within myself of to stay or to go. To have a job or to travel around the world. To be with family and friends or to be video chatting across the globe. To be present for birthdays and holidays or to be making memories with families I create and find along the way.

I told myself I don't want to be the aunt that my nieces (and soon-to-be nephew) don't know. I want to be the cool aunt who they call at 3am when they went drinking underage and need someone to pick them up, no-questions asked. Yet, as my mom said (gawd, I hate how she is right sometimes,) "I think you find fulfillment in you going to so many different places." How right she is, how right she is. 

So I sit here with 47 days till my contract technically ends and I feel conflicted about what comes next. Currently I have this elaborate plan of coming home and taking odd jobs for about year before selling every last thing and jetting off to other countries. Can I sit still back home for a year? Can I be away from home in another country for an undetermined amount of time?

If I had a superpower, I would be able to instantly go to wherever I want with a blink of an eye.

5 Truths people who LOVE traveling won't tell you.

(I wrote this quite a while ago..so be ready for an onslaught of posts this summer.)

5 Truths people who LOVE traveling won't tell you.

1. "I wish I was home."

Every traveler I've met has had their ups and downs, which occasionally include thoughts of home. While most of the nation wishes to travel to an exotic place while down, travelers wish to be near friends or family. They fantasize this world of traveling that wherever he or she is at, they can just take a quick drive to a close friend's house or their parents for a family event. Not to say they don't love traveling, they do. In fact they very well might become miserable if they stop being them and do decide to go home and stop traveling.

2. Half of their stories

This is usually for one or both of the following: a) Who wants to genuinely listen to hours and hours of stories, let alone ones that make them wish they could travel more? b) Sometimes the stories are creepy, scary or risky/dangerous. This second category may not be told so the listener does not worry more than they undoubtedly do, or to not deter others from trying new experiences.

3. Loving is easy to come by.

If said, this would make the traveler sound arrogant or a whore. I've met both, but overall I would say love is a common bond among those who travel. They are lovers of new experiences, environments, cultures and people. Because of this, they tend to attract those who seek independent and passionate people...aka, travelers.

4. Travelers break hearts.

Friends and family endure the lack of consistent communication and unknown visits with each goodbye. Lovers, above mentioned, fall and fall fast whilst the traveler is merely passing by with no intention of actually staying. It is a fling, a fun moment or two and a friendship sometimes intense, but nothing more.

5. It can be a very lonely experience. 

Though you meet hundreds if not thousands of really amazing people, connections tend to fade to Facebook. Even those you were once best friends with back home will, over time, fade away and move on without you. Do you remember in high school how you knew so many people, had a clique and after graduation everyone went different directions? Traveling, and moving, is like that each and every time.

So what are things people in your field or hobby that people don't tell others?

Dipping my toe into the water...finally

“Heeey, Dad?”

“What do you want?”

(In a rushed voice) “Can I join this one karate class? I got this flyer at school and I think it would be super cool and please? And it would be awesome? And pretty please with a cherry on top?”

(Dad views flyer)

“I’ll have to talk with you mom, but probably.”

This is how I imagine the start of what would become my way of life began: an overly excited seven-year-old coming home from school asking her dad if she could become a ninja, something straight out of the movies.

Over 17 years later and I’m stepping my big toe away from theoretically opening my own place to actually starting a (test) class: eight Sunday mornings introducing basic self-defense and traditional Okinawan karate to potentially just one student.

I can’t help but wonder, “Where is my safety net?”

Where are my fellow instructors: Sensei Steve and Sensei Brandon? Where are my upper-belt students: Patricia, Andrew or Robert?

The realization that to start something new, someone had to decide to try is attacking me like an allergic reaction to peanuts. Yet, within the same reflection, I also know I am ready. In spirit, those who have gone before me are and will always be with me.

 

Sorry it's backwards. From Master Sharon English to my parents:
(You guys are great. I appreciate your support and your friendship. You did a great job with the scorekeeping (and I know it was a lot of work). Jennifer did as superior job. Her positive attitude and willingness to try will help her excel in everything she does. It is a reflection of great parents. Thanks again. Sharon) - March 1999

As the seven-year-old naive child, I had a lot of learning to do, but looking back I can see just how much support I had from others; people believed in me. I hope to be even half the person others were and still are to me.

Wish me patience and understanding,

Jenn

And so it begins

"Is this real?" I asked myself.

I looked in my box and there were four envelopes from people I've never met and placed I've yet to see. The envelopes collectively contained 33 thank-you cards waiting to be used.

"This is real." I told myself as I walked gingerly past others' desks thinking of who I should write to first. In a sense, the answer was right in front of me. I was to write to the people who aided in my mission; Finding something to be grateful for in each member of my entire school community, in less than year.

However, these wonderful people would not be the first on my quest. Instead I had come into the mailroom to drop off my first batch of thank yous when I checked my box.

I began instead with a pen, a few 3x5 neon-colored index cards and addressed those in my immediate community first: 

"Thank you for all your help at gathering. I would have been lost without you."

"Your relationship gives me hope."

"I feel a part of the community because of you."

Something tells me this will be a wonderful journey...