Mental Inventory

I’ve been talking a lot about finding myself. Heck this blog should be called ‘Finding Myself’ rather than ‘Just Jenn.’ In the past few days I began to wonder what it is I’ve exactly figured out, or in some cases reaffirmed. In light of that, before I come home I’m going to start taking a mental inventory of the last few months and who I am. 

Here is my start, some with explanation and some without, all in no particular order:

1. I need a career, life, etc where I feel like what I do is important and I matter.
2. I’m judgmental – I will be “okay” with you doing whatever it is you want to do, and I’ll let you go for them but in fact I’m going to think some decisions you make are stupid and in some cases, I won’t want to hang out with you during certain activities.
3. I enjoy adrenaline.
4. I’m a hypocrite – I enjoy being with people who like to take of themselves and make positive healthy decisions (see here is my judging again) and it drives me nuts when others choose to make negative unhealthy decisions. Let’s take for instance smoking, hookah, pipe and weed. These are all what I would say are negative unhealthy decisions. Smoke is bad for yourself and those around you. Even hookah the CDC is worse than smoking in many cases. Yet I take part of camp fires very regularly, sometimes daily, where I’m inhaling smoke of large amounts and chemicals from whatever we throw in the fire, like cardboard and lighter fluid.
5. I HATE drinking and driving ­– With I’m sure a million other things am I a hypocrite but mainly again with stupid decisions. I hate, loath get a horrible feeling that literally makes me sick and in need of the restroom drinking in driving. Everyone knows not to get tipsy or drunk and drive but I’m paranoid. If you have one drink then I believe you should’nt drive. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to know. I can’t handle going to bars, clubs or parties because I see all these people drinking and I just think, “where is your designated driver?”
6. I love to help.
7. My ego needs to be stroked but not bombarded – I keep every thank you card and my love language is words of affirmation but I have no idea how to a compliment that goes on and on.
8. I’m slightly OCD – When it comes to where I have a home, I want it to come home and it be clean but I don’t care too much about your place or car. However, if you come over or we become roommates, do know I will care. So yes, I’ll seem like a different person, but it’s not a matter of if I care about dirt, it’s a matter if I care about dirt in your place or mine.
9. I like the idea of things.
10. Learning scares me – I always thought I loved learning but in fact it scares me. I like to learn, sort of. I just happen to feel anxious and very inferior when learning knew things because I feel as if I should know them already. I’m also so visual that when my coworkers were trying to teach me a card game I was on the verge of crying because I just felt so overwhelmed with these words coming at me but once we started playing, I felt better.
11. I hate the word “obviously” – Sometimes it’s not so obvious, even if it should be. And many times, no I don’t remember educationally most of what I was taught growing up. I can’t name all the states, nor do I know when what war was when or with who or where. I do remember that the answer is generally C, how to eliminate the two least likely choices and what a brain dump is and how to use it.
12. I’m not self-motivated – This will probably shock everyone, it was to me. Also, dear future jobs please don’t look down upon this if you read it. I always thought I was self-motivated, but I’m not. I’m motivated by feeling guilty and goals/tasks. I appeared self-motivated throughout school because I felt guilty when I didn’t do my work but more so there was this goal. In order to get an A, I had to complete tasks 1-3. There were always these tasks to complete that helped my GPA which helped my scholarship opportunities. Being out of school I feel so lost. I have all this free time that I imagined I would do six million things with and instead I’m lazily watching television. Now that I’m aware of this, I bought a Spanish workbook and for the first time, I’m going to try and do this.
13. I need a group fitness class not a gym membership – Going along with self-motivated, I’m rarely going to practice on my own but when in “competition” with others I’m going to do my best to be awesome in it. I’ll push myself further when surrounded by people who will know when I’m not doing my best.
14. I have commitment issues.
15. I feel trapped easily.
16. I like money – I feel like I’m going under when I don’t have a savings and backup funds. When I say I’m broke, its because I don’t want to spend money on things I can get cheaper if I do it myself or find it online.
17. My dreams are expensive – My daily needs are inexpensive but my dream to travel, build a house where my friends and family can come anytime (whether I’m there or off traveling,) and one day open my own karate dojo are expensive.
18. I want to be a CEO – I never thought I did but I love being in a leadership role where people look up to me, I’ve read so many great books that have inspired me to focus on the culture and people that I want to make a place where everyone wants to work because it’s so fun and they enjoy what they are dong. So, I’m going to open my own leadership camp but will have to start with just a dojo where a major focus is community.

Give thanks always.

Today is Thanksgiving, a day we give thanks. Odd, a day we give thanks. It makes me curious as to why we need a specific day, why not give thanks each and every day? Nonetheless, I will join in the online postings of what I am thankful for.

I have many things to be thankful for and it’s hard to narrow it down, but who wants to read a long post? So, my top three things I’m thankful for this year:

1. Family – I am extremely grateful to have the love and support of my family. I’m constantly changing and developing who I am and the process of that often leads to my next big, or small, adventure. Having a family that accepts and encourages me, no matter how many miles may separate us, to do whatever makes me happy is a blessing. This is my first Thanksgiving not at home and although I’m sad to be away, it’s going to make seeing my family in December that much more special. 
   
   
2. Experiences – I would not be who I am today without going through the experiences I’ve had. Life is a balance between negative and positive, both times of light and times of dark. Without my battles I would not know my strengths. As a result, I am developing a sense of me. I am learning who I am and what I believe in.
   
   
3. Technology – Yes, I know, I said technology. I debated on this one for a few minutes and although I have a love/hate relationship with technology, I felt I had to include it this year. Living 16 hours away from my family and closest friends is difficult. I can’t just drive home after work nor have people over on the weekends. However, I’m a big fan of video chat, calling home, texting and emailing. My brother shows me his baby Alayna, on his phone as we chat. My seven year old niece is now texting and emailing me and I’m able to text and call everyone when I’m off work.

So that’s my top three, what does your list consist of?

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm at peace.

At least once a day I receive a text asking how I am. “I’m fine,” “good, how are you?” and “good, you?” are all my typical replies. If I’ve got spare time I might even text a play-by-play of my day. As I’m writing this please take a moment to give yourself an announcer voice and think of your day to the sport of baseball. “She pulls out her phone, sits up, her back tightens, and her breath slows. She bites her lip as she prepares a text of both importance and perfection. She hits send and her body relaxes. She did it, she sent the text.”

Well all of that is beside the point, if there ever was one.

These past two years have been a whirlwind of change. I’ve had to come to terms with many things with the greatest being, I can’t control everything and to follow my heart. I’ve had to learn how to grow up and cope with change in myself, others and the world.

When people say that if you haven’t failed, then you haven’t taken enough risks, I find it a matter of perspective. Did I fail when a close friend died, when (twice) I decided to leave better paying jobs for other ones or when I ended an engagement? No. I cannot control the universe and I have to follow my heart. It’s taken me a while, several movies, a couple good books, a few walks alone, hundreds of texts and daily reflections to realize that if I don’t do what's right for my heart then I’ll always feel part empty, I’ll never completely feel happy and that is not something I’m willing to give up on.

So back to how I am,

A day or two ago I realized something or rather felt something. It was strange, different and unfamiliar yet like a dream. It was peace. For the first time in quite a while I felt at peace. So when friends asked how I was, I had my response ready, “I’m at peace.”

To those of you afraid of failing to do what’s right for you, I encourage you to take a chance. You might get bumps and bruises but none of that is failure, just life lessons teaching, no, helping you figure out who you are.

What day is it?

As I was scrolling through my news feed on Twitter, I came across an article about two highway deaths in Oklahoma. I found myself scanning the words in search of the names, one was reported. Like any good journalist, I checked my Facebook to verify I didn't know the person nor did anyone on my friends list.

This has become a habit for me. I hear of an accident, I check the location, names and Facebook. Ever since my own friend passed away I've become obsessed with reading every article reporting a death or major accident. I'm not sure what it is I'm looking for. Maybe I want to know first, maybe I want to not read some ominous Facebook status to find out or maybe I just want to feel in control. Whatever it is, I'm forced to reflect on a time that once was but more often than not I become thankful of today.

I am thankful each day is a new one because that, as Winnie the Pooh once said, is my favorite kind of day.

In Need of Hobbies

The other day my roommate said to me, “you need to find a hobby.”

I sat there on my bed shocked when I couldn’t rattle off a list of hobbies. In fact, I was unable to say a single one. We discussed for a few moments about growing up, I guess that’s what I’m doing. I’m growing up and it’s weird. They don’t really teach you in school how to adapt to being out of school. It’s almost like I need a “Success After College” course in addition to the intro version.

I’ve been involved in my community at least since I was 10, I thought. But after much self-realization I’ve found that I was not very involved in my community as a whole but my school community. Now that I’m no longer in school, I’m lost. I don’t mind being lost and I’m taking it as an adventure, but it’s confusing and at times difficult. I’m used to practicing how to say no in front of my friends because we all knew I would say yes to too many people. I don’t remember a single week going by without seeing some flyer about an event, club or trip that sounded interesting. Heck, I used to think it fun to count how many times I made the yearbook not because I was popular but because I was involved in so many clubs, teams and activities.

As I think about it, most of my time at school was from extra activities rather than traditional education. I was THAT kid, the one who was at school before most teachers and left long after the janitors finished cleaning. This was my life from elementary school through college graduation. I’ve been thinking of going back to school but I wonder now if it’s because I want more education or if really I just want to feel a part of that community once more.

No matter if I choose to go back, travel more or just stay in Michigan, one thing is for sure, I need to figure out my hobbies. I need to understand what it is I want to do in this thing called spare time.

I am ‘Fill in the Blank.’

I can go anywhere. It’s a very freeing thought. I’m in Michigan and I can go home, to another state or possibly another country if I want to. The camp industry is amazing. I can bounce across from one camp to another across the country, and I think that is what I’ll do. I’m thinking I’ll work at home in the summers or during the off-season between Thanksgiving and middle of February.

Wouldn’t that be the coolest thing ever? Okay, well maybe not for you. Maybe this isn’t something that interests you but for me, for me this is an opportunity I feel very lucky to partake in and I hope that whoever you are, you find what you’re passionate about and pursue it. There will always be obstacles so you might as well climb over them for whatever makes you happy. You might as well make the trek worth it. You deserve to be happy.

The future is in my hands (and yours is in your hands) and I love it. I get to say “I am” rather than “I’m going to.”

I am traveling.
I am being active.
I am teaching.
I am leading.
I am serving.
I am learning.
I am combining everything I enjoy and letting my passions lead my direction.


So what are you doing and what are you going to do? Is it everything you ever wanted? Take time to fill in your blank, "I am..."

I'm selfish and that's okay.

Lately I'm making choices of where to go, what to see and how much I'm willing to spend. I'm planning when I'll visit home, what jobs to turn down and even if I'm staying here through summer. During this time I've picked running, something I used to hate, back up. Earlier this week I ran my fastest mile.

Sure, I could choose to come back to Oklahoma and stay there. I know my friends and family would be thrilled, but I'm going to be selfish and I'm going to care about myself over others and not move back home. I'm exactly where I need to be. I'm at the intersection of Finding Myself and Finding My Way, which at this point, happens to be located in Michigan.

I am not a book critic.

I am not a book critic nor do I consider myself an avid reader, but I finished reading the most incredible book and I can't contain my opinion.

'Delivering Happiness' by Tony Hsieh (CEO of Zappos.com, Inc.) is part autobiography, self-help, Zappos history and relationship genre all combined in a humorous, informative and helpful manner.

I knew this book was for me when I read, "I wanted my writing to reflect how I would normally talk, and partly to annoy all my high school English teachers (who I appreciate dearly)."
It was then that I realized this book would be real, and boy was that the case.

Hsieh writes about figuring out your core values and making sure these values are ones you live by, not just something hanging above a door. He goes on to say the people, businesses, shareholders, etc we surround ourselves with should have a similar set of core values. Think about your closest friends, family, supervisors. mentors or teachers. Why are you close with them? What do you think are their core values they live by?

Every line of text is open, honest and passionate. Although it is an easy read, it took me a while to finish because I was constantly reflecting on what I just read and more specifically, three things:
1. How I could have handled certain situations, personal and professional.
2. How I can use what I've read in the future, personally and professionally.
3. I need to read more. (Luckily Hsieh included a book list.)

'Delivering Happiness' doesn't need people to read reviews of this book, it just needs people to read the book. So, stop reading this and go to your local library and check it out or visit Amazon.com and purchase it.

The day I turned my dream job down.

In the past few months I've been gambling. In fact it has turned into quite an obsession. I've taken risks that I was sure people would call me crazy, and maybe some did. But what I didn't realize is that so many people would believe in me....even when I turned down a $5,500 educational award, traveling, a supervisory role and free health insurance, at one time.
Two months ago I told my friends and family that I turned down a semester-long internship at the Colorado Olympic Training Center and instead accepted a three month camp position in the middle of no where Michigan. Some people were surprised but no one told me I made the wrong choice.
So I packed up my things, said my goodbyes and drove by myself to where I am now, Camp Eberhart. I've absolutely loved it here! The pay is again less than spectacular, the food is on repeat and my apartment was infested with a super hive. Knowing these stories, people are texting, messaging and posting comments of how awesome what I do is and where I work. They tell me their proud of me and can tell I'm really happy here. If I didn't have that encouragement I don't think I could have done what I did yesterday.
If you know me then you probably know I waited over a year before I could apply for the AmeriCorps NCCC program and you would also know that since then I applied at least three times over the course of a year and a half. A month and a half ago I had a phone interview with them and Monday morning I received a call, I was offered the Team Leader position for their newest program, FEMA Corps, at the California campus. They would pay for my transportation, food and housing. In addition they would provide me with all my equipment, a living stipend, health insurance and at the end of my service, an education award just over five grand. It would be ten months guaranteed and I would be in charge of 10-15 young adults. I worked so hard to get this position and now that I was offered it, I was unsure of what to do. So I did the logical thing, I called and texted people. My parents were on Tango (like Skype) for two hours with me, my advisor in college was instant messaging me on Facebook and I was texting my first summer camp cadet for advice. They all made great sounding boards but even after hiking in the woods and talking to people, at the end of the night I was still so confused. I was in a quandary and my poor roommate had to deal with me randomly staring off into space thinking during the middle of conventions.
After a night of sleep I felt much better about the situation. I talked with my current boss and decided to sleep on it one more night. So yestday I did what I never thought I would do. I declined the AmeriCorps position along with all its' benefits. If you told me a month and a half ago that I would turn it down, I would have laughed at you.
Now I know that was quite the story but I want the world to know that it's amazing how far you can go when someone (or lots of someones) believes in you. I'm not sure I could have traveled across the country on short notice leaving my friends and family in a different timezone nor turn down a job with benefits if I hadn't had so much support.
So to each of you, thank you.

My Mountain

As I'm sitting on the floor in the middle of a large room I find myself pondering many of things. You see, I just got done practicing an art I like to call karate and I'm starting to fully grasp the understanding that karate IS a way of life. I believe I always had a notion of this but just now am I seeing the entirety of it.
I was told that earning my black belt is simply reaching the bottom of a mountain and all those years previously were just a walk to the base. I used to agree with this metaphor but always with some reservation. I mean as many years as I've been doing this, surely I was part way up the mountain when I earned by black belt. No, i wasn't and its clear to me now. It's been almost five years since I tested for that belt and I'm only a few miles up the mountain, if that.
Each person finds his or her own path and for me it has been a strange one with many breaks, confusion and stress. Getting away from the dojo I've called home since I was seven and "spreading my wings" is something I hope never to take for granted. I'm developing a self-defense program for a local school district and I'm filled with so many emotions, and a lot of nerves. At first I didn't want to let my karate family down and I was filled with anxiety but as I sit here and let that go, I realized something; this is my path. So my methods may be different or maybe they will be identical but I get to make these choices. I get to decide what direction I want to take. Do I want to continue with in the traditional Okinawan footsteps? I don't know. What I do know is that right now the only person I can let down is myself. This is a very freeing thought and I'm not sure I would have come to this conclusion without hiking my own way up the mountain.

I am what I am.

1. Know yourself.

Know myself. Who am I? What am I doing?

I am finding myself. I am breathing. I am living. I am existing.

What am I? In a basic scientific meaning, I am energy. I get energy by consuming food. When I have no more energy, I die. Then what? My body decomposes and I am still energy. I am in the ground which feeds the plants that are eaten by animals whom are killed by humans. If this sounds hippie like, I get it. But think about it and I mean really take a few minutes to step back and hear what I'm saying.

I've been struggling for a long time with my beliefs. What do I believe? Where do I stand? And it has occurred to me that I don't have to stand anywhere. I can simply exist and choose how to live in my existence. I can decide what type of existence I want to have. So I choose to help others and to continually try and better understand myself.

"I Wish People Would Listen As Much As They Talk"

Part of finding myself and experiencing new things is being able to adapt. For me this usually is an easy task, not even a task normally. This trip is different, it's an exploration of my beliefs and why I believe the things I do. I'm even finding there are things I was wrong about. 

I set my personal bar so high, which has proved great for me in any task or goal I've ever had. I wouldn't be where I am today without continually working towards the next bar. Yet, without realizing it I put a similar bar on everyone else for everything. In some cases that bar is great. It allows people to try to reach for something higher than they think they can achieve. I like to think it was that which helped my Junior ROTC platoon to be amazing. But when not in some team setting, is it always appropriate? No.

I'm not saying the way of others is the right way but it is their way, which is what makes them unique. 

I know I've bickered with people over small things and to each and everyone of you I want to say both that I am sorry and thank you for trying to show me a different way when I closed my ears and my mind.  

With much love,

Jenn   

Finding Me

Sometimes in life we need to just take a jump and hope we make it, but falling is important too. It is through those decisions, scrapes and scars that we learn who we truly are and what we stand for.
I may be on my way to work at a camp but I am on an epic adventure to find myself, yes epic. Life is too grand, mysterious and full of a diverse culture of people and places to not make this an epic time.
Now I know my path is not "norm" but it feels right for me. I'm not running away from what once was but rather accepting who I am and taking charge of where my path leads.