Our deepest fear

I don't want physical things but..

*Update: After 6 months of attempting to fit into a wonderful boot, I returned them. On the bright side, I went ahead and bought the 35L bag from Groupon. I hope I like it.*

 



Soon I will turn a quarter of a century old. I was thinking about how my “wish list” has changed over the years. It's gone from scooters to footballs to karate gear to craft activity boxes to items to prepare me for life after high schools. For the most part, all of my desires were tangible items and though my “wish list” has tangible items they are far from what they once used to be.

(side-note: I don't wan't gifts but if you do, please only from this list. I've sold most everything else I own and really, really, really don't want things. I will sell it if you do.)

• Volunteer with an organization because you know I would love it if you did.
• Donate $$ if you can't, or in addition to, time. 
• 2 – 3 quick dry underwear
• 2 quick dry sports bras
• 4 quick dry hiking socks
• Quick dry tiny towel
• *30-35L pack w/rain cover and hydration system
• Compressible sleeping bag
• iPod or unlocked phone with wifi and camera
• Amazon gift card
• Thunder tickets (for me and you)...nosebleed section is great
• Paid experiences (such as: this, this or this and that)
• *Hiking boots - waterproof, sturdy and ankle or so high

Has your “Wish List” changed over the years?

I traded in my Chaco hiking sandals for business casual shoes

I feel out of place in a location where I once felt great comfort - my home, Oklahoma. The traffic, city lights, tall buildings, lack of recycling as a norm, trash-filled lakes and no natural beauty to be active within a 20-45min drive is saddening.

My CamelBak is no longer my go-to required item like a purse or wallet is for others. It is hung up just reminding me of what I left and giving me hope that I will use it again. -I should probably clean it at some point.

My Chaco tan is quickly fading not because of a lack of sun (100 degree days) but a lack of outdoor use. There is nowhere for me to hike in the mornings unless I drive a couple hours away.

In a weird way, I'm happy that people haven't been bombarding me with texts and calls. I find it overwhelming when they do after returning from a place without reception.

I think I'm starting to not just understand logically but understand emotionally how my students feel coming from cities such as Harlem and L.A. to live at a school in the mountains of CO - out of place, not centered.


There are MANY benefits of being home: family, not missing birthdays or holidays, watching my nieces and nephews grow up, being there for my best friends and returning to the place I feel most home, my dojo.

I also am fairly certain this move back home will get easier once my new job transitions from training to working on projects in the community. I know I need to keep busy and am addressing this as quickly as possible.
I joined a conversation group to help me improve my Spanish and I help teach twice a week at my dojo. Once I (re)learn how to use and fix a sewing machine, I'll have a great project (my t-shirt quilt) to work on throughout the winter in my evenings.I know change can take time but I don't think I was expecting to feel so distant from a state I once called home.


My next job will be in nature.

Top Things I'll Miss about my year in CO

Top things I will and won't miss about my time in Colorado:

I won't miss...

• Drugs of any kind - I get that CO is now legal in many ways but I hate drugs and would prefer to never smell or be around them again.
• Buffet lines
• Entitlement - I know it's everywhere but at least I don't live, work, breathe it every day.
• "Need" and "Want" being constantly misused
• Evening duty and nearly every time being treated like I'm a bad guy because I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing but did not like one bit (walking through the students' wings, removing hanging blankets, reporting damage, smells or graffiti, etc).
• Meetings, upon meetings, upon meetings
• Not having cell phone reception
• Being away from my best friend and family

I will miss...

• Not having cell phone reception
• Aspen House
• Saying, "I'm going to the park." and referring to the Rocky Mountain National Park.
• Hiking - being so close to hundreds of hiking trails and going on a different one each weekend.
• Not having to pay for gas to get to work
• Free Fun Experiences - snowboarding at Vail, eating out, ice cream, indoor/outdoor fun parks, etc
• Events in town and down the valley - especially service related
• Expanding my comfort zone and having meaningful conversations about equity, justice, empowerment, genocide, assimilation, spirit, energy, herbal remedies, home-made items, race, etc. I know it doesn't have to stop, but I'm not sure I will ever be surrounded by something quite like that again.
• Dojo in town
• Ukulele being played nearly every day - especially next door when falling asleep.
• Personal and Professional growth as a requirement
• Feeling like I found "my people" 
• Along with that, not being asked what's on my back (CamelBak) and  receiving weird looks from my choice of everyday shoes(Chaco sandals).
• Mountain Casual as the dress everywhere
• The conversations
• and much, much more.

Do you ever wonder?

I am a reflective person and from time-to-time I wonder what would things be like if…fill in the blank.

With the anniversary of the day the world lost a wonderful human being fast approaching (Aug. 8th), I trod down the rabbit hole respectfully.

If Ethan was still alive would…

He have gone down the partying road throughout college? Would we have blackmail stories that we share accidentally at inappropriate times? 

He have gotten married to the woman he proposed to? 

He have earned his black belt and opened his own dojo? Would we be guest sensei's at each other's tests? 

He have have graduated from OCCC and gone onto UCO like he planned? Would we have been in the same clubs, ate lunch together or picked at each other?

He still pursued music or other creative outlets? 

He have continued with journalism? Would he shine or fail as the new editor? Would he continue it at UCO? Would he earn more SPJ (society of professional journalism) awards?

He still be a dork, funny and always up to something? 

But mostly the thing I tend to wonder is… 

Would we realistically still be friends to this day?

Would we ever be sharing an office and when we don't have a place to talk, be messaging back in forth while being three feet away? Would he still come in and give me a big hug with a giant smile? Would we wonder about the world, life, relationships, family, service to others and awkward moments? I want to say yes, but really, I've let most people go over time, would he have fallen into that category? Is the only reason his memory is forever engrained in my soul because he was taken away from this world, from me? I guess no one will ever know but I can say I am grateful for the time we did share.

Learning to listen to my body

I listen to my body most of the time. However, the moment I have deadlines (even ones I've personally made) that are nearing or people I (perceived and actually) need to help, self-care goes out the window.

Today was a victory.

I realized that I cannot enter all the service hours of all the students, order awards, lead all the service activities,  plan for and lead two classes, reflect, work on my projects, etc and take care of myself properly without a single day full day off. I need to take care of me, especially in the midst of madness. 

I often tell people who are worriers about things to ask, "What is the worst (realistically) thing that can happen?" It is something Major in JROTC once said at a dance and it has applied to the entirety of my life. Though the deadline to order awards for them to arrive on time with normal shipping has passed, what was the worse that would happen? The answer? We have to pay $25 for expedited shipping.

My head is screaming because that is a waste of money and it was my fault (to an extent). Yet I really took the moment today to say, "well since I already passed it, I can take my day off (tomorrow) that I normally work and take care of myself."

My personal well being is worth $25.

I still have time with this new shipping date to get it in and have awards by graduation. Tonight I "met" my new nephew via video chat and tomorrow I'm making the choice to take care of myself so that the next day I can be at full power instead of 12%. Making this choice is something I am working on.

Gimme, gimme, gimme

It's tough. Coordinating and managing student volunteers is incredibly difficult. I'm not talking about the complaints, tardiness or forgetfulness but the difference of attitude towards service.

Me: What can I give?
Student: What do I get?

I had a student who ended up not participating in a service activity because I grew more and more frustrated. He kept asking me what we were going to eat, what exactly is being served, if we can go get hamburgers, if we can stop before we go there, etc.

I answered his questions as best as I could but in the end, I ignored him. Not the best tactic. I found myself growing angry and resentful. I knew I didn't want to take it out on him, so I stopped talking and waited for him to leave.

Oh the pondering one does after such an occurrence. I really was put in my place when I realized that it is not the students that already volunteer and who's first thoughts are "what can I give?" that I need to be trying to get to serve. Instead, I need to focus on the students like the one who annoyed me. Students like him need experiences like the ones I offer in order to get their feet wet in service and possibly ignite a flame for giving.

How can I expect anyone who doesn't already volunteer to want to if I don't react with patience and understanding? How can I expect anyone to continue to do service in the future if I don't get them (even the pains in the butts) to try it out for the first time?


I can be the bridge or the wall. Though it may not be easy to handle such an opposite view towards service, I need to try my best to intentionally be a bridge.

My Best Friend is Flying in

My best friend Jamie is flying in to see me in Colorado. It's rather exciting having a friend visit me where I live. My emotions are through the roof knowing that even though I tend to move far away, my best friend is still super excited to come see me!

These couple of days are going to be outstanding.

• Cookie dough and a movie
• 4th of July Festivities
• Crashing the YMCA international parade
• A Car Show
• Hiking
• Touring campus
• Sliding on a big slide
• Lots and lots of stories, laughter and love.

I can't wait till your shuttle gets here!!!

 Jamie and I in Oklahoma, December 2012

Day 1 of Karate

I'm teaching a karate course as a class at Eagle Rock School and Professional Development Center. I teach solo and my class is full of five high school students all brand new to martial arts. I've taught karate, I've taught white belts but I've not taught solo for such a length of time to all white belts.

It's slightly intimidating but today was a 4 on the 1-5 scale. There were kinks and a decent amount of chatter but overall, it went really well.

Darn you shows and movies that involve travel.

I'm filled with such mixed emotions. A friend referred me to a documentary called, "Long Way Round." It is brilliant but there is one problem: I can't sleep. I'm filled with such excitement for adventure and to travel again that all I can think of is buying a ticket, hopping on a plane and going to who knows where. (In actuality, I would probably go to France to begin to walk the Camino through Spain and Portugal.)

I can't begin to tell you how it is almost a daily battle within myself of to stay or to go. To have a job or to travel around the world. To be with family and friends or to be video chatting across the globe. To be present for birthdays and holidays or to be making memories with families I create and find along the way.

I told myself I don't want to be the aunt that my nieces (and soon-to-be nephew) don't know. I want to be the cool aunt who they call at 3am when they went drinking underage and need someone to pick them up, no-questions asked. Yet, as my mom said (gawd, I hate how she is right sometimes,) "I think you find fulfillment in you going to so many different places." How right she is, how right she is. 

So I sit here with 47 days till my contract technically ends and I feel conflicted about what comes next. Currently I have this elaborate plan of coming home and taking odd jobs for about year before selling every last thing and jetting off to other countries. Can I sit still back home for a year? Can I be away from home in another country for an undetermined amount of time?

If I had a superpower, I would be able to instantly go to wherever I want with a blink of an eye.

My experiments with "going green" and becoming more natural

I was talking to one of my closest friends the other day and she was telling me that if I travel to S. Korea, I should bring all of my personal cleaning supplies, personals and favorite snacks and candies.

Besides the fact that I don't buy many snacks, I informed her that I make my own shampoo and deodorant currently and am wanting to also switch to a natural homemade conditioner once mine runs out. Later I Skyped my parents about this. Apparently, I haven't shared this information.


So..you want my deep dart recipe secrets? Here you go:

Water

Baking Soda

Okay, okay so maybe this isn't everything but these two things are now my go-to items and if not the only ingredients, they make up the base for all my current and future endeavors.

Deodorant:

I tried the 'doesn't melt' summer recipe but I think I did mine slightly wrong. It is a solid but sometimes I still find myself rubbing it into my pits. With that morning switch, I still have to say, I like it. It feels and smells good. Sometimes in dry climates I find my skin forms almost a rash. Well, with this recipe, I have developed silky soft underarms.

*Added bonus: The peppermint extract I use, keeps mosquitos away. I haven't had a single bite since the switch.


Shampoo:
I only made the transition about a week ago and initially my hair was crazy oily for the first day. Then..like magic…my hair became silky, soft and great. Not to mention that my shampoo costs me less than a gumball. This recipe truly just calls for water and baking soda. No my hair doesn't smell fruity or fragrant of flowers, but if your hair has a scent it means that something is still left on your hair. AKA, my hair is cleaner than your hair. Take that!



What natural recipes have you tried or do you want to try?

5 Truths people who LOVE traveling won't tell you.

(I wrote this quite a while ago..so be ready for an onslaught of posts this summer.)

5 Truths people who LOVE traveling won't tell you.

1. "I wish I was home."

Every traveler I've met has had their ups and downs, which occasionally include thoughts of home. While most of the nation wishes to travel to an exotic place while down, travelers wish to be near friends or family. They fantasize this world of traveling that wherever he or she is at, they can just take a quick drive to a close friend's house or their parents for a family event. Not to say they don't love traveling, they do. In fact they very well might become miserable if they stop being them and do decide to go home and stop traveling.

2. Half of their stories

This is usually for one or both of the following: a) Who wants to genuinely listen to hours and hours of stories, let alone ones that make them wish they could travel more? b) Sometimes the stories are creepy, scary or risky/dangerous. This second category may not be told so the listener does not worry more than they undoubtedly do, or to not deter others from trying new experiences.

3. Loving is easy to come by.

If said, this would make the traveler sound arrogant or a whore. I've met both, but overall I would say love is a common bond among those who travel. They are lovers of new experiences, environments, cultures and people. Because of this, they tend to attract those who seek independent and passionate people...aka, travelers.

4. Travelers break hearts.

Friends and family endure the lack of consistent communication and unknown visits with each goodbye. Lovers, above mentioned, fall and fall fast whilst the traveler is merely passing by with no intention of actually staying. It is a fling, a fun moment or two and a friendship sometimes intense, but nothing more.

5. It can be a very lonely experience. 

Though you meet hundreds if not thousands of really amazing people, connections tend to fade to Facebook. Even those you were once best friends with back home will, over time, fade away and move on without you. Do you remember in high school how you knew so many people, had a clique and after graduation everyone went different directions? Traveling, and moving, is like that each and every time.

So what are things people in your field or hobby that people don't tell others?

Long time, no write

 

Wow, it’s been quite a bit since my last post and there are dozens of things to share from life updates to first year teaching to the holidays to returning for my second trimester teaching.

Here are a few of my highlights:

1. Breakdown in Week 8 – later found out this is called the disillusionment stage in teaching
2. My classes led an Action Plan presentation – this went extremely well and I was floored with pride
3. Thanksgiving – never the same without my traditional family but family is what you make of it and my Eagle Rock family is amazing
4. BREAKING NEWS – my sister-in-law and brother told me they were having a second child, kind of the greatest news ever
5. ER 61 Graduates – said goodbye to four amazing grads and also present my first Presidential Volunteer Service Awards to three students
6. LFJ and Credit – the paperwork doesn’t end when the students turn it in, in fact we have to look over it and then award credit…lesson learned, powerhouse it as soon as you begin to receive work
7. (Semi) Surprise Visit – an old friend drove from WA and stopped in CO to hang out with me for a few hours before continuing his drive to OK
8. Ready, Set, Break – first break from school and it was amazing. I spent a great deal of time with family and a few close friends. I saw movies, led a Master Chef Jr: Auntie Jenn Edition, indoor cart raced (and won), ice skated, went to a casino, finally saw the state aquarium in Jenks, ate cookie dough, clubbed, passed three students to the last belt rank before black, laughed and loved
9. Text-2-Email – my best friend and another close friend finally figured out how to “text” with me, despite me having no reception on this mountain of a home. FYI, text like normal but enter my email instead
10. Back to the Grind – returned from an amazing vacation home and begin truly working and planning tomorrow 

What are your top 10 things over the past few months?