I love disasters

I love disasters. There, I said it. Not for the destruction and action as if it was a movie. I love deploying to disasters because in those craziest of moments, I feel the most needed. I can do something as small as handing someone a bottle of water and to that someone, I made a huge difference. Disasters give me hope in humanity when I see someone who has lost everything, with a smile on their face, helping a neighbor fix their home. I enjoy working in that environment because even when the only constant thing is change, the volunteers and staff still buckle down and put the client first. The long days energize me. I wake up looking forward to figuring out how I can help. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world. You meet people from around the country, in different organizations all trying to help. It's a connection that stays with you. It's also why the Red Cross is the first place where I feel connected with the organization and its' mission as a whole and not specifically just one location. I may be 1,500 miles away but when I head into the local Red Cross, I immediately feel at home.

Dear Oklahoma...

This year more than ever, people from home are consistently saying the same thing “you should come home.” Though it pulls at my heart, what really influenced me was a 2010 Leadership Council talk at UCO. I believe it was a guest speaker but it could have been Scott "the great" Monetti. Whoever it was, they talked about being content or rather to challenge ourselves daily to not be content.

When we become comfortable we can also become stale and develop a fixed mindset. Whereas, if we pursue a life of things that make us uncomfortable or at least challenges us, we can grow. Our ideas of what the world should look like, the perception of the people and culture around us and how to handle the future will be better off when we challenge our ideas and assumptions.

Yes, I fully agree that I could be happy at home. In fact, it would be incredibly easy to live there. I’ve developed meaningful relationships with my family and a few close friends, I could quickly find a job, I know where I could volunteer and I could open a dojo. I have connections and ties everywhere in the great state of Oklahoma. It would be easy. I would be simply content but being content is not enough for me.

I want to push myself past content and see just how far I can go. 

I want to be called out for a micro-aggression and not be defensive, when just last year I heard the term for the first time. I want to discuss stereotyping and cultures with a security guard long after all the students were picked up. I want to struggle to pronounce names because I live in a place where the ones I grew up with are considered the “unique” names. I want to sit on a bus with a man seeking refuge from his country during a time of "conflict" and have a 3-hour conversation using translating apps. I want to experience life not from a bubble with a radius of my own backyard but from meeting people, living in other cultures and being open to my own vulnerability.

So dear dojo, Red Cross and every other type of family back home, know I love you and miss you dearly but understand that I am exactly where I need to be.

Sincerely,
Jenn

                         

Don’t worry dad, I got this.

I have never felt, and actually been, more prepared for a position than I am for this one. I’ve spent my last three years bouncing from one contract or service term to another. I’ve lived in Michigan, Colorado and a couple different parts of Oklahoma. Each position and location was radically different from the previous ones. Yet it was through the variety of professional and personal experiences had, that I actually feel ready. As I told my dad the other day, “I got this.”

It was an odd feeling.

In Michigan I learned teambuilding and facilitation skills. My roommate taught me about standing up for oneself and how some comments are just not okay. I learned that I needed to find my own identity, separate from school. She also taught me about Nutella.

The summer after Michigan I drove to Colorado. I am still trying to figure out if this was the hardest experience I will ever love, or just the hardest experience. Either way, it was definitely a year of growth. I wish I had seen it then. While there, I faced social justice issues and learned about nearly every “ism” under the sun. I was exposed to the remarkable world of identities. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more lost. Later I finally understood how much relationships are key, that I need to be part of a group or club outside of work and that if I want to not just survive but to be happy, that I need to find a way to straddle the line of engagement and disengagement.

After completing a year of service in Colorado, I returned home to Oklahoma. I needed time to reboot. I needed to process. I needed to regain trust in myself after completely losing my shit in Washington and nearly walking out on Colorado (thank you Beth and Jen for all your help). Most importantly, I needed to find me. The phrase, “get lost to find yourself” was one I immediately loved when I saw it while in Michigan. What I didn’t understand then, is being lost is terrifying, lonely and filled with anger, sadness and confusion. I used the Red Cross to try everything I was beginning to learn from Colorado. Mainly to make time for things I love and to build up (and utilize) my relationships with a few key people. I learned to take charge, make decisions and further my facilitation experience. The people there showed me what it means to put the clients first. My official and unofficial supervisors modeled the way on how I hope to be as a leader. It was an amazing place to see the life-cycle of a project and to feel incredibly empowered and trusted.   

So now in New York when I’m faced with a problem or a question, I don’t feel lost. I simply start to problem solve based on what I know (thanks Dave Campbell for that penny of wisdom). When a parent is upset, I know to listen to hear if they are just needing to vent or if they really do want an explanation. I feel more excited than nervous to take on my giant roles. I’ve kept my honesty and have been extremely open to hearing feedback without getting defensive. I’ve joined a group outside of work and am soon about to help with the Red Cross. In short, I’m making a home for myself because I finally understand what I need to feel at home.

Thank you to each person who has been a part of my journey. No matter what occurred or how much, you influenced me.

Growing up and chasing feelings

So much of my life has been about setting goals, SMART goals to be exact. It is what do I want and how do I achieve it.  After turning down an interview with the Peace Corps (what a reverse scenario in my book) I think I've come to notice a transition; there are words missing from my internal questions.

It is not, "what do I want?"

It is, "what do I want to feel?"

It is not, "how do I achieve it?"

It is, "how do I achieve the feeling long term?"

When I began my job hunt, I was looking for not just a position or a place but a culture. I wanted to feel empowered, encouraged and home. I have to admit, it's a bit trickier to search for a culture than it is a position. It was worth the the persistence.

Though I am saddened and even disappointed with the Peace Corps, I know I am where I need to be. I have a place that reminds me of the culture of Eagle Rock (CO) the empowerment and familiarity of the Red Cross (OK) and the sense of being just enough out of my comfort zone to grow, as I was in Michigan. 

Service, just like growing up, is not a destination but a feeling that embodies me. It is in everything I think, everything I say and my daily actions.

My next goal is to feel enlightened and calm and cool as a cucumber.

What do you want to feel?

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Public Transportation: first 10 day in NY

Things Google Maps does not tell you:

1. Which side of the street your station is on.
2. Buses do not stop at every stop.
3. In fact, buses do not stop unless you hit some non-existent button on the wall to signal you would like to exit.

Things NY Subway stations do not tell you:

1. Cardinal directions: North, South, East, West, Loopty Loop, etc. Maybe they are unaware but being new means I don't know where Forrest Hills, Brooklyn, Jamaica, etc are located. M/R Train towards Forrest Hills is like pointing at a child's imaginary friend and saying, “you see it, right?” Dang it subways, I need stations to say R train Northbound. This I can understand.
2. Not all subway trains are created equal. Just because your first subway train has light up screen with what stops are next and a loud speaker to announce each arrival/departure does not mean all of them do.
3. If a man goes around setting key chains on everyone, it is not a cute “Welcome to New York” favor to keep. Return it or pay up.

Time it should take vs. Actual time

• To Work (by bus) 17 minutes vs 59 minutes, one frantic call to mom and a cab from Manhattan
• To Rebecca's apartment (by sub) 40 minutes vs over an hour and again, ended up in Manhattan
• From Prospect Park (by sub) 46 minutes vs 1.5 hours

Building from within

Part 1:

Though not exactly sure where to begin, let's start with this: I've spent less time developing and cultivating new relationships and more time focusing on the ones I treasure most. To do this, I had to first develop a relationship with myself.

Supposedly Buddhist monks talk about developing peace and understanding from inside. In essence, by truly accepting and loving oneself. This year I've taken a break from new relationships and instead looked inward. What do I want? What do I need? Who am I when everything and everyone is taken away? These are the questions that I needed to face, and I don't think I'm alone in that this task is difficult when surrounded by new environments, new people, relationships, alcohol, drugs or whatever your vice may be.

Once my distractions were away - new place, new relationships, outdoor activities, I battled my reflection. Initially, it was an internal battle. Over time, quite a bit of time, I began to see clearer. I no longer was reliant on finding joy from other sources. Yes - I do enjoy hanging out with friends. Yes - I still miss hiking on an eternal level. Yes - I happen to like being active. What I am learning is that I can be okay with who I am both internally and externally no matter where I am, what I am doing or who I am with. 

I expected I may answer a few internal questions but I was not expecting to learn to love myself on the outward too. I've not been a body hater but now I've come to love and respect my body. I see myself in the mirror and I am happy at the reflection staring back at me. I know to respect my body I need to eat well, exercise, sleep and love my body as it is and will be. I see others aging and their wrinkles are beautiful to me. I guess when you are learning to love yourself a side effect is learning to love your body. 

Part 2:

It is easier to love those I care about when I love myself. My relationship with my two closest friends has expanded in depth. Finding myself has allowed me more room in my heart to love and cultivate these friendships that I cherish. Not focusing on creating and managing new relationships has been a good thing for me. If I read this a year ago, I would say I am being selfish or arrogant but I see it as finally understanding an age old concept: quality over quantity. I know they feel the same way too.

Part 3:

Family. Partially simultaneously as developing my relationships with my closest friends, I began working on my relationship with my family. I am still working on this, even more so than with my friends. I've become the positive role-model aunt to my older nieces, an ear to my sister and a big fan for my dad in his martial art class. As my term of service ends and my unknown location of a future draws nearer I have a three focus areas: build my relationship more with my oldest niece, sustain these relationships and be fully present when with family.

If you are struggling in any aspect of your life, and even if you are not, I encourage you to look inward.