Mental Inventory

I’ve been talking a lot about finding myself. Heck this blog should be called ‘Finding Myself’ rather than ‘Just Jenn.’ In the past few days I began to wonder what it is I’ve exactly figured out, or in some cases reaffirmed. In light of that, before I come home I’m going to start taking a mental inventory of the last few months and who I am. 

Here is my start, some with explanation and some without, all in no particular order:

1. I need a career, life, etc where I feel like what I do is important and I matter.
2. I’m judgmental – I will be “okay” with you doing whatever it is you want to do, and I’ll let you go for them but in fact I’m going to think some decisions you make are stupid and in some cases, I won’t want to hang out with you during certain activities.
3. I enjoy adrenaline.
4. I’m a hypocrite – I enjoy being with people who like to take of themselves and make positive healthy decisions (see here is my judging again) and it drives me nuts when others choose to make negative unhealthy decisions. Let’s take for instance smoking, hookah, pipe and weed. These are all what I would say are negative unhealthy decisions. Smoke is bad for yourself and those around you. Even hookah the CDC is worse than smoking in many cases. Yet I take part of camp fires very regularly, sometimes daily, where I’m inhaling smoke of large amounts and chemicals from whatever we throw in the fire, like cardboard and lighter fluid.
5. I HATE drinking and driving ­– With I’m sure a million other things am I a hypocrite but mainly again with stupid decisions. I hate, loath get a horrible feeling that literally makes me sick and in need of the restroom drinking in driving. Everyone knows not to get tipsy or drunk and drive but I’m paranoid. If you have one drink then I believe you should’nt drive. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to know. I can’t handle going to bars, clubs or parties because I see all these people drinking and I just think, “where is your designated driver?”
6. I love to help.
7. My ego needs to be stroked but not bombarded – I keep every thank you card and my love language is words of affirmation but I have no idea how to a compliment that goes on and on.
8. I’m slightly OCD – When it comes to where I have a home, I want it to come home and it be clean but I don’t care too much about your place or car. However, if you come over or we become roommates, do know I will care. So yes, I’ll seem like a different person, but it’s not a matter of if I care about dirt, it’s a matter if I care about dirt in your place or mine.
9. I like the idea of things.
10. Learning scares me – I always thought I loved learning but in fact it scares me. I like to learn, sort of. I just happen to feel anxious and very inferior when learning knew things because I feel as if I should know them already. I’m also so visual that when my coworkers were trying to teach me a card game I was on the verge of crying because I just felt so overwhelmed with these words coming at me but once we started playing, I felt better.
11. I hate the word “obviously” – Sometimes it’s not so obvious, even if it should be. And many times, no I don’t remember educationally most of what I was taught growing up. I can’t name all the states, nor do I know when what war was when or with who or where. I do remember that the answer is generally C, how to eliminate the two least likely choices and what a brain dump is and how to use it.
12. I’m not self-motivated – This will probably shock everyone, it was to me. Also, dear future jobs please don’t look down upon this if you read it. I always thought I was self-motivated, but I’m not. I’m motivated by feeling guilty and goals/tasks. I appeared self-motivated throughout school because I felt guilty when I didn’t do my work but more so there was this goal. In order to get an A, I had to complete tasks 1-3. There were always these tasks to complete that helped my GPA which helped my scholarship opportunities. Being out of school I feel so lost. I have all this free time that I imagined I would do six million things with and instead I’m lazily watching television. Now that I’m aware of this, I bought a Spanish workbook and for the first time, I’m going to try and do this.
13. I need a group fitness class not a gym membership – Going along with self-motivated, I’m rarely going to practice on my own but when in “competition” with others I’m going to do my best to be awesome in it. I’ll push myself further when surrounded by people who will know when I’m not doing my best.
14. I have commitment issues.
15. I feel trapped easily.
16. I like money – I feel like I’m going under when I don’t have a savings and backup funds. When I say I’m broke, its because I don’t want to spend money on things I can get cheaper if I do it myself or find it online.
17. My dreams are expensive – My daily needs are inexpensive but my dream to travel, build a house where my friends and family can come anytime (whether I’m there or off traveling,) and one day open my own karate dojo are expensive.
18. I want to be a CEO – I never thought I did but I love being in a leadership role where people look up to me, I’ve read so many great books that have inspired me to focus on the culture and people that I want to make a place where everyone wants to work because it’s so fun and they enjoy what they are dong. So, I’m going to open my own leadership camp but will have to start with just a dojo where a major focus is community.

Give thanks always.

Today is Thanksgiving, a day we give thanks. Odd, a day we give thanks. It makes me curious as to why we need a specific day, why not give thanks each and every day? Nonetheless, I will join in the online postings of what I am thankful for.

I have many things to be thankful for and it’s hard to narrow it down, but who wants to read a long post? So, my top three things I’m thankful for this year:

1. Family – I am extremely grateful to have the love and support of my family. I’m constantly changing and developing who I am and the process of that often leads to my next big, or small, adventure. Having a family that accepts and encourages me, no matter how many miles may separate us, to do whatever makes me happy is a blessing. This is my first Thanksgiving not at home and although I’m sad to be away, it’s going to make seeing my family in December that much more special. 
   
   
2. Experiences – I would not be who I am today without going through the experiences I’ve had. Life is a balance between negative and positive, both times of light and times of dark. Without my battles I would not know my strengths. As a result, I am developing a sense of me. I am learning who I am and what I believe in.
   
   
3. Technology – Yes, I know, I said technology. I debated on this one for a few minutes and although I have a love/hate relationship with technology, I felt I had to include it this year. Living 16 hours away from my family and closest friends is difficult. I can’t just drive home after work nor have people over on the weekends. However, I’m a big fan of video chat, calling home, texting and emailing. My brother shows me his baby Alayna, on his phone as we chat. My seven year old niece is now texting and emailing me and I’m able to text and call everyone when I’m off work.

So that’s my top three, what does your list consist of?

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm at peace.

At least once a day I receive a text asking how I am. “I’m fine,” “good, how are you?” and “good, you?” are all my typical replies. If I’ve got spare time I might even text a play-by-play of my day. As I’m writing this please take a moment to give yourself an announcer voice and think of your day to the sport of baseball. “She pulls out her phone, sits up, her back tightens, and her breath slows. She bites her lip as she prepares a text of both importance and perfection. She hits send and her body relaxes. She did it, she sent the text.”

Well all of that is beside the point, if there ever was one.

These past two years have been a whirlwind of change. I’ve had to come to terms with many things with the greatest being, I can’t control everything and to follow my heart. I’ve had to learn how to grow up and cope with change in myself, others and the world.

When people say that if you haven’t failed, then you haven’t taken enough risks, I find it a matter of perspective. Did I fail when a close friend died, when (twice) I decided to leave better paying jobs for other ones or when I ended an engagement? No. I cannot control the universe and I have to follow my heart. It’s taken me a while, several movies, a couple good books, a few walks alone, hundreds of texts and daily reflections to realize that if I don’t do what's right for my heart then I’ll always feel part empty, I’ll never completely feel happy and that is not something I’m willing to give up on.

So back to how I am,

A day or two ago I realized something or rather felt something. It was strange, different and unfamiliar yet like a dream. It was peace. For the first time in quite a while I felt at peace. So when friends asked how I was, I had my response ready, “I’m at peace.”

To those of you afraid of failing to do what’s right for you, I encourage you to take a chance. You might get bumps and bruises but none of that is failure, just life lessons teaching, no, helping you figure out who you are.

What day is it?

As I was scrolling through my news feed on Twitter, I came across an article about two highway deaths in Oklahoma. I found myself scanning the words in search of the names, one was reported. Like any good journalist, I checked my Facebook to verify I didn't know the person nor did anyone on my friends list.

This has become a habit for me. I hear of an accident, I check the location, names and Facebook. Ever since my own friend passed away I've become obsessed with reading every article reporting a death or major accident. I'm not sure what it is I'm looking for. Maybe I want to know first, maybe I want to not read some ominous Facebook status to find out or maybe I just want to feel in control. Whatever it is, I'm forced to reflect on a time that once was but more often than not I become thankful of today.

I am thankful each day is a new one because that, as Winnie the Pooh once said, is my favorite kind of day.